Confessions of a Super White Girl;Reconciling Heart & Mind

confessions%e2%80%a8of-a%e2%80%a8super-%e2%80%a8white%e2%80%a8girl

I’m a “super white girl”…my friend who is black told me I could say that. Or should I say my African American friend? Or should I say my friend of color? Ughhh…never mind! I’m going to stop talking now. I’m unqualified — and completely afraid — to speak anymore.

Except I can’t. Not after reading these words in Kelly Balarie’s book, Fear Fighting: “What I have realized is that stopping and stepping into the unsafe, forces us to receive God’s new safe.“

Okay God. Yes, I am safe because of You. Gulp. Yep. I’ll keep talking…

How can I read these words and ignore the prompting of God to share this? To step out of my “safe” place of my encouraging blog posts and into the “unsafe” place where I might say something wrong or hurt someone’s feelings or offend someone accidently or look stupid.

Jesus, help me.

A Little Bit Racist…or Prejudice

The ugly truth is that this summer God showed me I was a little bit racist…or prejudice. Apparently, there is a difference. I didn’t know that because I’m a “super white girl.”

There is also something called “Black Twitter!” Who knew? I sure didn’t. Because I have no idea what it is like to be Black in America.

Ughhh. I’m just going to go throw up now because who am I to talk about this kind of stuff?

I’ll just go stick my head in the sand and go back to pretending God doesn’t hate the divide in our country — the divide that seems to be even wider since November 2016. Relax, I’m terrible at discussing politics and I won’t start now.

Except I can’t do that, either. How many times have I told y’all the Church can’t stick its head in the sand and look the other way?

To be honest, I didn’t think I was looking the other way until this past summer when God revealed something ugly in my heart.

Let’s just say it was a TOTAL. BLIND. SPOT!

It’s so ugly that I was simply going to confess it privately and walk in grace…privately. It’s the ugly kind of sin that doesn’t get talked about much among my “crowd.” In fact, I’d rather not talk about it now!

But the grace of God revealed it, so He could begin to clean it.

The ugly sin? I was a little bit racist.

The Ugly Truth

For two weeks this summer, all I would do was notice somebody by the color of their skin.

I would catch myself and I would hate it! I would immediately say: “God, what is this? What am I doing? This isn’t me. I love Jesus and I love all His people. This isn’t me!”

But it kept happening. For weeks, I was simply doing life while noticing what my eyes saw – color, gender, socio-economic status, people who looked like me and those who didn’t.

It was awful and I was MORTIFIED and ashamed. I kept thinking “God, take this away from me! This isn’t me. I have black friends. I taught and loved my Hispanic students and LOVED their families. This isn’t me.”

God showed me that this ugly was absolutely me. It’s in all of us. They were MY thoughts, and if I spoke them out loud, they would be my words. We know that out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:3).

Yes, I can say I love Jesus and I love everybody, but if I were to say I am color blind, I would be telling a lie. God loves me too much to allow me to keep lying.

This wasn’t the most fun revelation I’ve ever had from the Lord. I countered it with: “But I’m a nice person. I’m nice to everyone. I love Jesus and serve in the church.  I’m a lover of people.”

I don’t judge people. Lie

I don’t judge people by what they are wearing. Lie

I don’t judge people by the color of their skin. Lie

But I love Jesus! True

I was loving people of color out of obedience with my MIND — but not with my HEART.

It’s no secret that I’m very much #TeamJesus. I knew I was supposed to love people, and I desired to do so, but until I confessed the ugly place in my heart where prejudice lives, no matter the amount, there wasn’t any room for real love.

I humbly confessed: “Father, you are showing me that I have racism in my heart. I confess it to you and I ask You forgive me and take this sin away from me in Jesus’ name.  I want to be a lover of ALL your people.”

Then I asked God to fix it….that’s part two of this story.

Matters of the Heart

I’m a nice person. I’m nice to everybody. I don’t go around committing hate crimes.

But it’s not okay for followers of Jesus to be even a little bit racist. Tweet That

I also learned that I wasn’t racist all the time. There were triggers.  Maybe it’s watching the news or driving through parts of Atlanta or walking around in downtown Athens. Now that I know this, I pray for God to help me see with His eyes.

I definitely wasn’t a little racist while I was at church. It’s easy to be color blind there! Thankfully, I worship alongside lots of people of color each Sunday. It’s outside those walls where things get messy.

There are always two responses to God shining truth on a situation in your heart and life:

  • humbly admit that the ugly is there and take it the cross; or
  • stick your head in the sand and pretend this kind of ugly isn’t in your Jesus-loving heart.

Racism is a HEART issue. Only Christ can deal with this kind of ugly. Tweet that

I cried out: “Father, I can’t get rid of this. Only You can. Forgive me and fix it, God. And cancel the effects of my judgments on Your people.”

I am the church. You are the church. And the church can’t be a little bit racist.

Is my heart perfect? Of course not! But the Lord has started the process of allowing me to see and love HIS world with my WHOLE heart. Fight any fear and judgement in your heart with confession.

We have been commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves. It’s always been God’s desire for his people to worship and obey Him out of GLAD obedience rooted in love….real love.

There is talk that it’s too late for our generation to make a real impact in this “love revolution.” I disagree. I follow the Jesus who busted down walls created by pride and judgment. I say it’s not too late!

It’s not too late because I’m watching God do amazing things in my church.  I worship with lots of people of color every Sunday. It’s my prayer that my story sheds a little light on the possibility that this ugly lives in your heart as well.  Trust me when I say the Gospel of Jesus Christ can only be good.

If you’re like me and can be tempted to love people with your mind out of obedience, but not out of your heart — confess it to the Lord and allow the beauty of the Gospel to wash that part of your heart clean.

A Prayer for Help

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for your mercy and grace. I thank you for your example on how to love people. Help us, God. This is too big for us. Give us the grace and strength to see the ugly in our hearts and confess it. Help us to be hearers, see-ers and doers of your Word. I pray that every eye that reads this comes to know the saving grace and mercy found on the cross and can extend it those around them. I ask this in Jesus’ powerful name,

Amen.

To learn more about this awesome book, Fear Fighting go www.fearfightingbook.com or www.purposefulfaith.com

click-here-to-sign-up-to-follow-my-blog-receive-your-free-weekly-prayer-schedule

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

31 thoughts on “Confessions of a Super White Girl;Reconciling Heart & Mind

  1. THIS.

    I hate the “little bit of racism” in my heart. I think, if we are honest, it exists in ALL of us – black, white, Hispanic, Asian…whatever.

    We’ve been sticking our heads in the sand for WAAYY too long.

    People might think “it’s too late for our generation…” and that’s exactly where God wants us…because when WE are outta the way HE can show up!

    Thanks for being brave enough to write this in such a way that is honest and raw yet relatable and not ugly.

    Like

    1. Thank you for your words of encouragement…yes….I wanted to throw up when I hit publish! I agree…if we simply SHUT up and listen. We might hear God first! It is in all of us…admitting is the first step to repentance.

      Like

  2. This is truth. It’s so relatable as much as I hate to admit it because we ALL fall into this trap. Jesus make us more like You and help us to be color-blind. Great post!

    Like

  3. I think we’re always a little bit scared of things that are different than we are. Different isn’t comfortable and it stretches us to think outside our little tidy box. You’ve done that so well here and the fact that you listened to that Holy Spirit nudge on that dark spot and have brought it into the light is so courageous – and obedient. I hear you and I agree, we fall short of Jesus-kind-of-love every single day, and I’m so grateful He keeps on showing us how to get it right. Glad to meet you, Lauren, and to be your neighbor at #coffeeforyourheart today.

    Like

    1. I wish I could say I obeyed quickly like I so often do, but this was has been sitting on Publish for a month. I think that’s part of the story too. Knowing it’s weird and uncomfortable and trust God to look at that part of our heart. Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Brilliant piece. I’ve been battling these same thoughts for months now. Thank you for having the courage to share. Good luck in the contest! God bless…

    Like

  5. Wow Lauren!! Way to speak the love of God to His church. I love the way you lead us into a challenge by accepting the challenge yourself. I can see how all of this was hard to see, confess and eventually publish. You are truly sharing the heart of God. Keep Going! It is exciting following you as you follow Christ!

    Like

  6. Ouch!
    Squirming, looking around, and sweating a bit.
    Can’t we just Love Jesus and talk about how cute puppies are?
    No? Darn…I hate it when God gets straight up in my face about STUFF.

    Like

  7. I’ve been waiting on this one for a while 😉. I love your truth and how it speaks to each of your readers. This is US. ALL OF US. Thank you for having the courage to do this, because most of us (ME) probably wouldn’t have the guts. I love you my sister in Christ!

    Like

  8. I live in a state that is 96% white, so I’m feeling some of the same disconnect that you express here. I was helped a bit by reading The Gospel and Racial Reconciliation by a collection of writers who speak wisely into race and the role of the church.
    Finding your writing home today for the first time!

    Like

  9. Thank you for sharing! We all have ugly parts in us. I think the desire to change and not stay as-is can make the biggest difference. Growing more like Jesus could solve a lot of the problems facing our nation today!

    Like

  10. Yep. Super white girl over here who honestly thought things were OK until I realized they weren’t. Then when I saw how bad, I thought “I can’t say anything. I’m too white!”
    And yes, we all have those unintentional moments. Moments where we need grace the most. I am so thankful for a God who knows my true heart and helps me clean up the mess.

    Like

  11. You are courageous wise hearted woman. Courageous to lay yourself out there…bare for all to see, brave to put into words what God has shown you because you ask Him too. Most of us won’t even ask Him to. Wise because you wrote with knowledge that come from your own experience and not someone else. So glad I stopped by.

    Like

  12. Hey Lauren, I am super happy to be here on your blog today, commenting on this post. You are brave, my sister! I love your spirit and your honesty. I am #teamjesus too. I am your Black sister in Christ and I want you to know that I have the same problems. I “love” everyone I meet too, and I’m a naturally friendly person. As a Christian homeschooler most of my circle is white; and you know what? I struggle with EVERY color: white red, yellow and even my own black sisters and brothers. I also judge based on gender and socio-economic status. Basically, Jesus has taught me that my heart is BLACK, which is why I need him. Lauren, the only reason you can confess what you’ve shared is because of the work that Jesus has worked in your heart. God bless you, my dear sister. And again, thanks for your bravery and for saying it so eloquently. You read EVERYONE’S mind.

    Tiffiney
    WelcomeHomeMinistry.com

    Like

    1. Tiffany, thanks for stopping by and calling me brave! I might have gulped a lot and closed my eyes when I hit publish! Yes. It’s nuts what God will do when we ask Him! There is so much more to this story. I can’t wait to write part 2. Have you heard of Be the Bridge? It’s an organization that focuses on racial reconciliation. Latasha Morrison is the creator. Look it up! I’m learning so much just from listening. I didn’t realize how “white” I was until I started listening more. I believe God is working on people’s hearts and I hope to shine His love and light on the matter. It’s nice to meet you, sister!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s